I’ve been thinking. Well, to be honest, I’ve mostly been distracted. For the last decade I’ve always had a deadline. Personal or professional, deadlines do the same thing, they drive me forward. They give me a sense of purpose but that purpose often isn’t my own. It’s a way to continue working without having to really think about anything. Once I meet one deadline, I look for another to meet. It’s a way to fill time. A way to fill false purpose. Well, that has effectively disappeared due to C-19. I’ve found myself with time and without deadlines. Or at least I’m becoming conscious and am beginning to question this very nature. To reflect on one’s drive to always be moving “forward” and need to find deadlines to feel purpose.
This might be clearer with a story. I am currently an education entrepreneurship student and working as a volunteer EMT. During this time of C-19, I have seen first-hand these two worlds of which I’m straddling. At the moment, one of them feels rather superficial. It has me wondering that even though I’m now choosing my own deadlines, am I choosing them to fill purpose or to feel purpose. The other has me feeling purpose. It’s hard to explain but I know my journey is at one of its rockier moments. I’m hoping to find more clarity over the next few months. Of course, I don’t wish to put undue pressure on myself but I owe it to myself to slow down and think. To pick conscious deadlines for a conscious future.